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So, what is a person supposed to do after ending not one, but two long-term relationships back to back? That& #39;s 15 years of my life.
Obviously, I& #39;m not in any position to jump into something else, but like...I don& #39;t really have any close friends anymore. People have either moved or passed away.
I guess I& #39;m just not sure how to imagine the future. I realize that a lot of us are in a similar position right now, but my chronic illness was there before this pandemic, and if I live, it& #39;ll be there after.
It& #39;ll be there and I& #39;ll be trying to take care of my teenager...alone. It& #39;s a terrifying prospect for sure, but definitely not as terrifying as things remaining the same.
I miss teaching (in person) so much. It really didn& #39;t matter if I was always broke. It gave me so much purpose. Now I can& #39;t even get through a load of laundry without hyperventilating.
I used to have so much energy and drive. There was so much I wanted to do and create. I was almost there. I was so close and then...BOOM.
Rehab, Ian& #39;s death, chronic illness, and the dawning realization that overlooked past traumas would contribute to the destruction of my relationship.
I really loved her. I really loved the good stuff.
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ”" title="Musical note" aria-label="Emoji: Musical note"> When it& #39;s good, it& #39;s really good, & when it& #39;s bad, I go to pieces https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ”" title="Musical note" aria-label="Emoji: Musical note">
I really loved her. I really loved the good stuff.
I want to be positive and say that I& #39;ll find a way to go on, to start over, get better and move forward. I hate my cynicism. It& #39;s the worst aspect of my personality.
But I& #39;m also like...really fucking tired. I honestly don& #39;t remember the last time I had a day that wasn& #39;t burdened by nausea or pain. It& #39;s a part of me now. A new normal.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone around who& #39;s also sick, someone who wouldn& #39;t run away or long for a version of me that doesn& #39;t exist anymore. Is that weird...to want something like that?
I wonder if Ian felt that way. If he did, he never shared it with me. He was used to his friends with CF dying, even at a young age. But I never got the feeling that he was more comfortable around them. Maybe that isn& #39;t the right word.
More than this, of course, I just want to be a good parent at this point. I know I haven& #39;t done a good job of modeling healthy relationships for Harv, among other things. I just hope he& #39;s able to survive whatever emotional bullshit I& #39;ve saddled him with.
He feels so isolated right now and I& #39;m struggling, amidst everything else, to be there for him in the way that I& #39;m supposed to be. I don& #39;t think he& #39;s ever had an adult in his life who isn& #39;t interminably damaged in some way.
Sorry. This thread is getting longer than I intended. May delete later. Just wanted to get some things off my chest. https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="â" title="Victory hand" aria-label="Emoji: Victory hand">
