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i& #39;m...definitely going to delete this later (because this is 100% for myself), but i think it& #39;s necessary for me to tangibly see my thoughts, especially because they& #39;ve been so contradictory lately, and since not many people i actually know follow me on twitter...
the fact that there& #39;s a very real possibility that i will either 1. get Cs, Ds, or even Fs this semester or 2. have to re-do the entire semester (which means that i& #39;ve basically wasted a good five months) is...terrifying?
and this isn& #39;t just because being somewhat "smart" is a big part of my identity, or even because of the toxic (asian) mentality that i have when it comes to grades...but also because this means that i& #39;ve lost my ability to separate my personal life and my academic life,
and that ability got me through middle school and high school? it& #39;s something that i took pride and comfort in because i knew that, no matter how bad things were at home/in my personal life, i would still be a good student.
but, fine, whatever. i was sensible enough to force myself to reach out to my school& #39;s accessibilities department this week. i knew i& #39;d (eventually) regret it if i didn& #39;t, and the small part of me that& #39;s not resigned and Sad is still desperate to pass my classes,
even if it means getting a bit of extra help. doesn& #39;t mean that the meeting wasn& #39;t mortifying, though, because now it& #39;s a reality? i& #39;m registered in my school& #39;s sas department. at some point in the near future, i& #39;m...mandated to get professionally diagnosed.
and, objectively, i know that i& #39;m being such a hypocrite. i tell all of my friends that therapy isn& #39;t something that they should be ashamed or embarrassed about, and i encourage them to seek professional help whenever necessary/possible. but i hate the thought of me getting help?
i don& #39;t want help, and i visciously, viscerally don& #39;t want to need help. i don& #39;t want this to become A Thing.
and i know my friends would be supportive of me, but i also know that a majority of them wouldn& #39;t understand? when i tried to explain that i was just...Sad, one of them kept hounding me for an answer as to "why" i was sad because "there has to be a reason that you feel that way."
which isn& #39;t their fault. it already means a lot that they& #39;re trying their best to be there for me, so i hate that, sometimes, i get so frustrated, even angry, when they say things along the lines of "it& #39;ll get better" or ask me questions. which is so ???
i should be grateful for them. and i am, but. i don& #39;t know. on one hand, i feel...very lonely and unloveable nowadays (even though, objectively, i know i am loved), so i really want even a sliver of proof that i matter to them? that they would notice if i was gone?
which they give, don& #39;t get me wrong! on the other hand, i feel so guilty for burdening them with my problems. and now they know how much of a mess i really am, which is humiliating. (ah, the mortifying ordeal of being known.)
where am i even going with this thread?
